Introduction To Inner Empathy
One
of the presuppositions operating in this course is that cultivating Inner
Empathy will naturally extend outwards, allowing us to act more empathetically
and compassionately towards others. Our external actions will be informed by
this inner sense of empathy and compassion. For example, when you make a
mistake, if you learn to empathize with the part of you that becomes intolerant
or hostile with mistakes, then this very same empathetic awareness and compassionate
regard for yourself naturally and effortlessly will be extended to others who make
mistakes in situations that could otherwise stimulate anger. How we treat
ourselves, either consciously or unconsciously, seems to be how we treat
others. I see this inside-out approach as an important practice no matter what
path, religious affiliation, or secular belief system we might hold.
The
deeper invitation presented in this course is for you to learn and practice
tangible and systematic ways to cultivate your own self-presence. This
self-presence will help you to stabilize and abide in empathetic awareness when
faced with internal and external challenges.
As
we learn to engage our core feelings/needs with empathy and compassion, we are
naturally developing our capacity for deeper connection with ourselves and
others. These deeper connections give us an opportunity to meet ourselves and
hold a loving, empathetic presence for aspects of ourselves that have never
received such support. Often these deeper aspects represent core needs that
have been disowned and banished from conscious awareness. In my experience, experientially
disclosing core needs and allowing them to be held by empathetic awareness is powerful
work! I view these deeper inner connections as huge contributions to
cultivating what is called “NVC consciousness” within the NVC community.
Creating
Conditions For Empathetic Awareness To Emerge
Instead
of using the term “NVC consciousness,” I am opting to use the term “empathetic awareness”
or “compassionate awareness” throughout this work. It points more accurately to
what we are doing when a quality of awareness is present in our experience that
is soft and understanding of whatever is emerging in our experience. What we
will be learning to do is to hold empathetic presence for whatever emerges into
our awareness. The most persistent obstacle to experiencing this empathetic
awareness is the strength of our identification with whatever we are experiencing.
For
example, when one of our core unmet needs is stimulated, we might believe we
are unlovable and feel hurt. We strongly identify with our hurt feeling and the
needs that were, or are, not being met. Being “identified with” means we
believe we are the hurt feelings, and that the judgment that we are unlovable
is true. It is as though we are under a spell, yet we are no aware that we are
under a spell. Our experience will be saturated with hurt feelings, and we might
try to find relief. We may spend time trying to figure out why we are
experiencing what we are experiencing. We may resist our experience, which can
take many forms. Even worse, this all takes place unconsciously. We experience
the impact of inner turmoil: we feel bad but don’t have a clue that one of our
unmet core needs was stimulated.
While
such intensity exists, empathetic awareness is possible, but not likely,
because the intensity of identification with the painful experience makes it
more difficult to connect with empathetic awareness. It would be useful to have
some separation from thinking “we are the hurt feelings” and that “we are
unlovable” and be able to break this spell. We will learn to experiential become
aware of such identification as it is happening in the moment and actively
create the conditions for empathetic awareness to emerge.
The
Difference Between Inner Empathy And Self-Empathy
In
the basic NVC training, the emphasis is on interpersonal communication. We
learned to connect deeply with others by offering empathetic questions using
the basic form, “Are you feeling because you are needing?”. These reflections
of feelings and guessing the needs helped us know whether we were accurately
hearing what the other was saying; they also let the other person know that we
were hearing them. A byproduct of this kind of empathetic connection was that
the speaker often would gain a deeper level of self-connecting to his feelings
and needs.
Also,
the speaker would be supported in using “I” statements, which helps us to own
and take responsibility for our experiences, making us less likely to blame
others. Using “I” statements and naming needs also was a way to bring into
conscious awareness feelings/needs that were in play previously unconsciously
before naming them. So using “I” statements is a great advance to our own
self-connection and encourages taking responsibility for our experience. When
we used the empathetic guessing internally, this is called self-empathy.
As
beneficial as is this use of “I” statements and owning our feelings/needs in
interpersonal contexts, I’ve experienced and observed in others some drawbacks
and confusion when we attempt to use the same form internally when going deep.
Specifically, when we use the word “I” when connecting to deeper aspects of
ourselves, such identification can constrict our inner work. I like to make the
distinction between surface needs that are held lightly and deeper core needs
that have lots of emotional charge. Often the same feeling and need set can
represent both a surface need and a deeper core need.
For
example, if I say, ”When I recall how I forgot to show up for the appointment
with my friend, I feel embarrassed because I want to trust I’ll follow through
with my commitments.” The “I” is referring to the embarrassing feeling and the
need for self-trust. In that moment of recognition and acknowledgement as I
feel the feeling, I am identified with this embarrassing feeling. If this
embarrassing feeling and need is a surface feeling and need, I simply will feel
it and allow it to pass through my system and learn from the experience. There
is no problem using “I” statements in that situation. However, if there is an
intense charge or there seems to be other needs (baggage) attached to the
current-time expression of this feeling/need or if it is a pattern of shame
that keeps being recycled, I recognize that there is a deeper part that needs attention.
The not showing up for the appointment was a stimulus for deeper shame to
emerge. The charge or intensity is much bigger than the situation warrants. In
this case, identification using “I” statements can work against me when doing
deeper inquiry work. How?
As
I begin to inquire deeper and experience the spontaneous memories of embarrassment
or shame that have occurred in my life, I notice the emotional intensity is
elevated. I am now beyond the surface feeling/need and I’m experiencing core
feelings/needs. It is common to use I statements to describe these emotionally
charged core feelings/needs. This has the effect of strengthening my
identification. Strengthening my identification means I think I am the deep and
intense shame or embarrassment. Rather than connecting deeper with these core
feelings/needs, often a protective part comes in and shuts down the process.
The shame goes back into shadow to be re-stimulated some time in the future.
Why? Because using “I” statements in this inquiry process strengthens
identification with the shame and unmet needs and the associated beliefs of being
wrong, bad, or no good to such an extent that we experience ourselves in these ways
in totality! More importantly, when we are identified with the deeper shame
part, we are not linguistically acknowledging the awareness that notices this
shame part. When we believe we are the shame part in that moment, we have
little awareness of the fact that we’re immersed in the shame waters. There are
no resources to tend to the shame! I don’t see that as a useful way to connect
with these deeper aspects of ourselves. We will learn a different way to
inquire that allows depth, utilizing empathetic awareness as a leading resource
in the inquiry process.
For
me, it is important to learn a discipline of starting with and keeping
empathetic awareness in the inquiry process, maintaining a degree of separation
from the feelings and needs that might be triggered. This isn’t disassociation,
where we deny feelings and needs, but a form of empathetic dis-identification
that facilitates a type of connection that I find exceedingly useful. A part of
you can still experience its feelings/needs showing up in our bodies or
present-time experience, while empathetic awareness is also there to connect
with the part’s feelings/needs.
However,
the difference is that we are not identified and consumed with that part that
is experiencing feelings/needs. Inner Empathy is empathetic awareness being
present to the feelings and needs of the various parts or aspects of ourselves
that emerge in our experience. Inner Empathy is about forming relationships
with our parts, hearing their concerns, being present to them, and providing
the holding environment these parts never experienced. This is a powerful way
to use NVC internally, doing deep inquiry work with our core feelings and
needs.
Introduction
To Inner Empathy Sessions
Inner
Empathy is a distinct form of inquiry relating to what emerges inside you. In
this course and book you will learn how to support yourself and do Inner
Empathy sessions in three ways:
1)
You will learn to do a solo Inner Empathy session without any support.
2)
You will learn to give unconditional, non-judgmental support to someone else,
which is a rich context to learning about your inner world.
3)
You will learn how to receive unconditional, non-judgmental support from others,
which will support you in deepening your connection with your inner world.
Below
is a detailed explanation of what you can expect in an Inner Empathy session.
Inner
Empathy Sessions Are A Different Kind Of Contribution
An
Inner Empathy session is not a therapy session. Inner Empathy is a coaching
method of inquiry where you learn to hold empathetic and compassionate presence
for whatever emerges in your experience. In an Inner Empathy session, there is
no need to diagnose, analyze or label you according to some theoretical ideal
of what is and is not psychologically healthy. You will feel a sense of comfort
and ease from the facilitator’s non-judgmental care and acceptance of whatever
emerges.
Inner
Empathy is nonpathologizing because it is not based upon the premise that
something is wrong with you that needs to be fixed. Inner Empathy is based upon
the premise that empathetic awareness is available to you now to hold presence
and connect with all aspects of yourself on a feeling/need-based level. Holding
such empathetic presence for the various conscious/unconscious aspects of your
inner world can inspire natural, self-corrective shifts. Your well-being will
be self-defined and based upon the choices you make based upon your unique set
of needs and values.
Harmonizing
Deep Conflicting Need Strategies Where One Set Of Needs Is Unconscious
Have
you ever wanted to take the initiative to meet a need but something deep and strong
within you held you back and you didn’t know what that was? Often people are
challenged with competing needs scenarios where the strategies of one set of
needs is at odds with strategy of another set that is unconscious. For example,
suppose you said you were experiencing conflict around wanting to follow your
passion at this stage of your life. You want to live your passion, but there is
something holding you back.
An
Inner Empathy inquiry would help you to connect to the need that is being met
by not doing your passion. Sometimes this inquiry into what is holding you back
is easy and sometimes this unacknowledged need is deeply embedded beneath
protective layers. Accessing it requires patience, diligence, and a skillful
empathetic presence. Bringing the previously unacknowledged need that is
holding you back into empathetic awareness is the first step to experiencing the
possibility of moving towards doing your passion. Harmonizing deep conflicting need
strategies like these in your life can make a meaningful difference in your own
system of meaning.
Experientially
Working With Deep Core Needs, Feelings, And Beliefs Allows Something Useful To
Happen
Inner
Empathy work was specifically designed to efficiently navigate your inner world
for the purpose of connecting with core unconscious feelings/needs/beliefs that
are deeply embedded in your being. The presupposition in this work is that
these unconscious core feelings/ needs/beliefs are largely responsible for the
quality of the life we lead and express themselves in our daily life in many
ways. In my experience, chronic troubles with relationships, career, parenting,
etc, all find their inspiration in unconscious core feelings/needs and
associated beliefs.
Inner
Empathy work acknowledges that the way you access your core feelings/needs and associated
beliefs is a critical factor in whether such connection is useful. Do you
emotionally and experientially connect with these deeper aspects, or does your
intellectual part take over the inquiry and hold these feelings/needs and
beliefs in an intellectual way? A lot of personal growth falls prey to the
intellectual parts of us that keeps us disconnected from deeper core needs/feelings/beliefs.
This is why people who think they have connected with their core beliefs do not
see any change in their lives.
The
Inner Empathy work was designed to support people in directly accessing these
core feelings/needs and associated beliefs experientially and emotionally. The
overriding assumption and intention contained in Inner Empathy work is that
such deep empathetic connections with core feelings/needs and beliefs will
create a quality of connection where we can trust that something useful will
occur. Useful will be self-defined as you connect with the unique expressions
of your core feelings/needs.
I
would like to end this introduction by saying how truly touched and honored I
am to have your trust and to be able to collaborate with you on your journey
inside. My passion in life is to contribute to your life in ways that are deep
and meaningful to you according to your wisdom, which knows what is best for
you now. I thrive on creating conditions for people’s innate wisdom and
self-compassion and empathetic awareness to emerge, which I see as inspiring self-correction.
So let us begin, shall we? What is alive in you now as you finish reading this introduction?
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