Conflict and the Illusion of Safety

Thursday, February 23, 2012  Subscribe here to Miki Kashtan's blog The Fearless Heart


“I will do everything in my power to resolve every conflict, however small.” -- Thich Nhat Hanh


I think I am not alone in nursing the fantasy that if I only got the “right” people in some “right” configuration, we would essentially have no significant conflict. Of course I know better. From personal relationships to organizations, conflict is an integral part of life. Still, when conflict arises, especially for the first time in any particular grouping, I recognize in myself and know in others a kind of disappointment, a loss of some hope that maybe this time we can have it be different, perfect.


I think about these things a lot. I am blessed to have some very few relationships which are, essentially, conflict-free. What makes it possible, I keep wondering, and why is it not replicable in other instances? Is there something present in these relationships that’s missing in other places? So far, I’ve identified two main ingredients for this magic. One I call the assumption of innocence, which is about a fundamental, implicit trust of each other. In these unique relationships, when one of us does something the other doesn’t like, we nonetheless trust each other’s basic care; we assume the best about each other’s intentions. The second ingredient is that when conflicts do arise, we attend to them. The two aspects reinforce each other. As we get to understand fully what the situation meant to each of us, we get to know ourselves and each other better, and the level of trust between us increases. At the same time, the assumption of innocence makes it easier to engage with each other when in conflict.
Why would this be the exception? What is it that makes it so easy for people to jump to conclusions about each other while at the same time keeping them from approaching a friend, colleague, or family member when their actions are not to their liking?

Meeting Criticism with Criticism

by LaShelle Lowe-Chardé · March 22, 2012 · Subscribe Here

You regularly listen with empathy to others and have worked hard to cultivate this skill. Yet, there are those particular situations or relationships in which you can't seem to find your giraffe ears (have empathy for another). 

It's likely that in these situations one of two things is happening. You perceive a threat to one of your most basic needs, like safety, security, belonging, autonomy, and/or acceptance. Or you are unwilling to feel the hurt and grief of needs unmet. 

Being consciously aware that you perceive a threat to a basic need isn't always as simple as you might think. Perceptions of threat often hide out in political arguments, complex analyses, spiritual pronouncements, grand theories, or any sense of righteousness. Uncovering perceptions of threats is easier if you know the symptoms: 

-You can't find empathy for the opposing view or another person. 

-You feel tense every time you think of the situation. 

-Your are not open to changing your view in the face of new information. 

-You find yourself quickly moving to overwhelm or anger.