Inner Empathy

I am amazed how long I have kept overlooking the work of Jerry Donoghue. I just got his book and it is blowing my socks off! I labeled it as 'heady' at the first sight. Yet after reading a bit I shifted dramatically. I see it now as dense and rich. Here is a part of introduction to the book:

Introduction To Inner Empathy

One of the presuppositions operating in this course is that cultivating Inner Empathy will naturally extend outwards, allowing us to act more empathetically and compassionately towards others. Our external actions will be informed by this inner sense of empathy and compassion. For example, when you make a mistake, if you learn to empathize with the part of you that becomes intolerant or hostile with mistakes, then this very same empathetic awareness and compassionate regard for yourself naturally and effortlessly will be extended to others who make mistakes in situations that could otherwise stimulate anger. How we treat ourselves, either consciously or unconsciously, seems to be how we treat others. I see this inside-out approach as an important practice no matter what path, religious affiliation, or secular belief system we might hold.

The deeper invitation presented in this course is for you to learn and practice tangible and systematic ways to cultivate your own self-presence. This self-presence will help you to stabilize and abide in empathetic awareness when faced with internal and external challenges.

As we learn to engage our core feelings/needs with empathy and compassion, we are naturally developing our capacity for deeper connection with ourselves and others. These deeper connections give us an opportunity to meet ourselves and hold a loving, empathetic presence for aspects of ourselves that have never received such support. Often these deeper aspects represent core needs that have been disowned and banished from conscious awareness. In my experience, experientially disclosing core needs and allowing them to be held by empathetic awareness is powerful work! I view these deeper inner connections as huge contributions to cultivating what is called “NVC consciousness” within the NVC community.

Are Judgements Wrong?

Greetings,

for a year or so I have been trying to get clear, formulate and practice a way of expressing myself free of claims, a way that would convey purely my subjective take on things. I found it a hard work.... and rewarding.

Now, this Kashtan girl nailed it... and I hope she did for you too. 

Are Judgments Wrong?

by Miki Kashtan

This piece was born out of my ongoing confusion about how to talk about the vision of living beyond right and wrong thinking. Two questions repeatedly arise, and I am not always satisfied with my responses to them. As different as they may seem, both, to me, are indicative of the same challenge. One question is some version of: “Are you saying that it’s OK to kill someone?” The other takes the form of: “Aren’t you saying that judgments are wrong?” My one word answer to both of them is simply “no.” So, what, then, am I saying?

Our Words Have Consequences

My rather arbitrary starting place in disentangling the many threads in this knot is to explore the significance of our choice of words. Saying that something is “wrong”, or “right”, or “beautiful”, for that matter, has consequences for the speaker as well as for the person hearing the words. This form of speaking assumes a standard of what these words mean that is external to the speaker and the listener. The speaker is not taking full responsibility for being the one making that judgment. The listener is subtly invited to agree with the speaker rather than to understand the speaker. The ensuing conversation, if one takes place, is less likely to be one of exploration and connection than one of making pronouncements and, in the case of disagreement, debate, possibly acrimony.

If, instead, the speaker speaks of their experience, what they say becomes incontrovertible and invites a different quality of relating. No one can argue with me about whether or not I liked a certain movie. Anyone could argue with me about whether or not this was a bad movie. Speaking of our own experience, our own inner frame of meaning, and taking responsibility for that being my frame instead of some truth that lives outside of me, has different effects.For myself, based on years of learning, practicing, and teaching, I can say with definite clarity that I prefer the consequences of speaking without judgments to what happens when I use judgment words. The quality of connection and dialogue, and the capacity of people to work together to create something they can both live with, increase with the former. In part, this is because saying things from a personally owned perspective tends to be more vulnerable and therefore, again in my experience, invite a response that is also more vulnerable. In part, this is because when the speaker expresses things in that way, there tends to be more of an explanation of a “why” that the other side can then relate to.